To be a Trailblazer.
I have an inexorable need to write something, something to express to someone. It’s a blessing I’m here now, I just want to write. It’s the flow of things in which I step up and finally turn the engine on and I’m going. That’s all I have to do and for many miles on end I can go. Flying as free as I wish to fly. I love the aspect of musicality and writing, a note in which I touch on many times and will probably never stop reminding people about. There’s a rhythm to it, there’s a life to it, it’s a pulse, it's breathing. It’s fire within that breath, and breath that fuels that fire that fuels the engine. It’s where I currently am now, just enjoying this moment as I settle in and begin warming up that engine.
Today, in contrast, I wasn’t quite pleased. It’s a bleh kind of day, the one in which you plan to go out but it’s raining, but in my case it’s perfectly clear and sunny out. The only plan I had for myself were tasks that were meant to be accomplished but weren’t. I have a reason as to why I did not complete them; I didn’t plan or solidify anything, either the day prior or the morning of, so could I really fathom these as tasks if they were not created to begin with? Something I keep hitting myself up against is how many different things there are for me to learn and the magnitude of paths I could take. I’ve only recently learned how to take true action, and quite proudly I have been, however, there are 15 different pretty little new paths that show up, at the very least, 2x per day, while I’m taking this action in another location. The one I’m on just doesn’t really have a clear trail, and forging my own path is scary, so of course those other paths look nice. They're marked, they have cool little obstacles, they have a bathroom on the trail, and I know for a fact that this trail leads to the mountain view, based on the pictures. Mine, I gotto get out my little trowel and find a spot in the woods, but also… what if I then lose the path? Nor do I know where it leads as it’s completely unexplored. No one is going to blame you for turning right around and going back to the choices, what I judge myself for is spending far too much time wasted in choosing.
I feel as if I’m using every ounce of time that I can, but also, feel that I’m not as productive as other’s I compare myself to. You’ve found the trap. Congrats. While walking on your trail parallel to another, if you see them jump, it doesn’t mean you jump at the same time. If you do, you hit your head on that low hanging branch and find yourself flat on your back. I compare myself a lot to others, more than I care to admit. Sometimes I see them advancing so fast alongside me that I question if I’m looking at the problem in the most efficient way possible. Look, I’m not meant to be a genius at all moments of my life. I can be an absolute genius at many moments - and I’m talkin’ genius level that could probably figure out the next steps to save the world, just how to actually achieve it might be the hard part - other moments are as an absolute dullard.
Here’s what I found. A spark of genius will occur which will set me into motion for a few days or weeks or months, and this is carried out through spending as much energy as I possibly can exploring this genius, this energy. After this energy is expended, I will tire myself out and become a dullard. An absolute nitwit, and I’m talking the level at which when spoken to I will use words that don’t exist and resort back to grunts and whistles, maybe even some beeps and boops, but not the intelligent “I’m a robot” kind. I’ll avoid you because I know I can’t offer you anything of value in my present state. No information is intaken, no information is taken out. Is this the natural tendency to rest? It just sucks because I’m not meant to, in this society, do such a thing as rest or else I’ll risk my societal company of friends, people that support me, and not gain progress on my industrial competitors, who are ALWAYS, without fail, working; 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The Hustle. Never. ENDS!
I struggle accepting this form of me, though I know this form of me is by far one of the most important aspects of me, if they are not a part of this wonderful cyclical life then I will not be able to maintain my structure as a human being. It’s here where we recognize that the resting self is a part of us. And unfortunately we are not capable of being our best selves. It’s when we make more mistakes - failing a customer at our day job, when we tell a person that we care deeply about something insanely stupid, Not meaning what you say - that we can then LEARN from them. I’ll stop calling this “Other person” a dullard or stupid, or dumb, but to call it something a little kinder, I’ll name it Matthew. My full name. Myself at a basic level. I call myself Matt and go by Matt, but Matthew is by contract my full name, not something I usually go by at face value, and tuck away silently from all the rest of the world just because it feels off to me. The resting self is Matthew from now on. To continue.
Matthew represents healing to me, now that I’ve had some more time to think about it. I feel I come back to this post and realize that having this Matthew portion of myself is where I get the ability to be Matt, and the ability to be Matthew comes from the exploration and risk that Matt takes. Matthew does some pretty risky stuff too, but maybe that’s because I haven’t offered Matthew the space that they're looking for. I was using the term stupid and dullard for quite some time, so I can imagine the cage I placed around it. You never truly know what you are capable of unless you allow yourself free from the cage of judgment, and find acceptance of all the wonderful aspects of yourself. May we grow in this together, as I’m meant to continue with this practice.
But I want to come back and somewhat resolve a few things. I believe in the beginning I’ve located a few problems within myself, let’s continue towards solving them, because in drafting this piece, it was in fact healing, so exploring the many different locations in which I wished to heal, and the things that were occurring, reading them back and measuring them at the value in which they were (words on a paper) one is able to receive an incredible amount of distance from their problems.
When we finally decide to take action, strap up our boots, pack our little trowel and TP, and head off to our trail, the problems that were occurring where you were become so little. As you begin stepping over thorny branches, shrubs that stick to your jacket, streams you cross that soak your feet, inclines and declines that become a task to keep those soaked feet on the earth, you find that you no longer are looking at the paths next to you. Your focus is where you are. When you do reach any semblance of height, which you will, you look back, and all those things you got hung up on have become so small. Going back, if you have to, doesn’t seem as daunting after what you’ve been able to accomplish.
My path is meant to go quick, slow, high, low, it’s supposed to hurt, I’m probably going to get blisters, go through some growing pains, there’s just so little control that you actually have in it. It’s important for me to explore it, because I know for a fact that there’s somewhere, something important for me waiting at a particular section. It’s then letting go of that control, and finally freeing yourself of the false weight in which you think you have any control. Only then will you be able to look up and see the doe in between the leaves.
To build even further, I think it’s really important that Matthew will come out every once and awhile, and though he’s pretty agile himself, he’ll want to rest, which is something you can control, to an extent, knowing when to rest. So don’t forget to find a place to sit, sleep, bring a tent, because you’re in this for the long haul. This isn’t a one day excursion. Pack it up, and really learn how to go all in, because if this is something you wish to do, then realize that just walking through all day every day isn’t going to get you to where you want to go.
It’s a balance of rest and action, mistakes and learning. I understand this, and I understand the power of striking this balance, so let’s work towards this balance. I have a feeling that this feeling inside of me that is my purpose, will need time to grow and mature. It's this feeling I have inside me that I will never get rid of, and it’s the life that I must live, in a mixture of dormancy and resonantly roaring at the top of my lungs to really comprehend what that soul will be doing in this world. I hope it encourages those around me to make some positive change within their lives. I hope it shows us how to empathize with those around us. I hope it shares an understanding that everyone sees differently than us, and we see differently than others. I hope it shows an understanding of our uniqueness and our similarities. I hope it shows that our differences don’t actually mean to be a threat, but rather a source for endless knowledge. If you’ve ever stared deeply into an eye that isn’t your own you tend to find answers that you don’t fully grasp until you are writing about it years later.
I wanted to try a bit of a different style today, I wanted to show a bit of my morning pages style of writing, as it directly correlates to healing moments for me, leading me to paragraphs like the ones before, and it creates a natural problem solving activity, where I can gain a distance from my problems, and generate solutions based on more calculated decisions. Or I might wait for Matt the “genius” to appear. I show this in more of a raw form (only 2 drafts, I didn’t want to appear as a victim the whole time.) as I feel it’s an important practice to reach people who are going through similar situations, and also as a tool to recreate when going through something difficult.
I’ll be writing every week, so stick around, I’m always aiming to problem solve, so follow along for more problems being explored, experimented on, and solved, if at least patched.
Much love today and every day