22:19 1/14/22
Where am I? What am I? Who am I? Who do I want to be? What is it that I want to achieve? Who should I like to spend my time with? What would I like to spend my time doing? How many questions is it going to take for me to get to the question that I want answered? Will I ever receive that answer? Brooding, contemplating, meditating, divining, manifesting, prayers in, prayers out. Lying on my side thinking of the past, trying to see if I can learn even more than I have before. What is it that sets my mind spinning down these rough spirals? These unanswerable questions and puzzles. I live for a good puzzle, yet tragically they enter into my mind and act as a parasite, never letting go, with no cure to flush it out. All I can do is just lye on my side and bide my time. My fingers tapping at the table, looking at my email, seeing what that might accomplish.
I recently saw the moon again. I haven't seen it in quite some time actually. I find a lot of comfort in the moons that appears to me. Something about them are always trying to reach me, always trying to say something. It's a "something" that I've always known myself, but can't seem to grasp it in that particular moment, like a name on the tip of your tongue, but try as you might you have to resign yourself to the lack of capability within your own mind. "Maybe" you say to yourself "It'll come to me." Sadly, you just spent about 3 minutes worried about finding that one name, which more than likely wouldn't grant any use to the conversation at hand, yet for some reason you became entranced in finding it out. You mumbled to yourself, you made a point to hold everyone hostage until you figured it out, and at the end you couldn't. Everyone was waiting out of anticipation to find out who it was. Some, were already in understanding that you were wasting their time. The only person who seems to have suffered the most though is yourself. I used to do this in conversations, I used to play that whole act where I twisted and contorted and smacked my head around to try and figure out who or what I was thinking about, but eventually ended up with nothing. I found out a long time ago that doing that doesn't help anybody, and it simply brings you more anxiety than it's worth. So when I have a question that pops up into my mind, and I can't figure it out after a little, then, one, I don't really know the thing enough to bring it up into conversation, and, two, it probably doesn't matter enough in the present conversation. They can find out who you were talking about later when it comes to you.
Is this maybe an understanding of these inner thoughts? Maybe if it doesn't come to you, it won't, as much as you poke and prod, only time will be on your side. I recently saw the moon again. It was a waxing Gibbous, the same phase as it was in the last time I saw it, which was the middle of December. When I looked up at it, I didn't have any questions that time. I saw the bright, intoxicatingly beautiful, taciturn, semi circle, and I realized what it was that night. It's transitioning. It always is, it always will be. Every day is different, a little different then the last time. Growing, fading, waxing, waning. Wanting, needing, having, giving. Full. New. Time changes what we are on this earth, everything develops in some mysterious way, and the more we live the more questions rise out of what it is that we are. More things that we are left in the dark with. At least we have the moon to keep us company, reminding us that there's time. It's all going to work out, in some way or another. We live, we breathe, we eat, we experience this phenomena called life, then we pass away, and our energy is redistributed back into this earth. It's really a beautiful place isn't it?
I realized that in Ohio, there is, in fact, quite a bit of charm. I most definitely noticed how much brighter the stars and the moon are. Not only that, but I think I subconsciously understood something all my life as a kid here in Ohio. I realized this while I was driving on the highway as I was looking at how flat everything was. I realized, you wouldn't be able to see very far with so many buildings or mountains surrounding you. I think I've always been looking as far as I could when I lived in Ohio, my sights were always set further then what I could see. I always looked to see the "edge of the earth" when I visited the ocean. When I played sports I thought of how far I could go. As I am now, I think of how far I could climb. That's not to say however that I haven't been blessed with looking at how far I could fall as well. With all things there is a balance. But I find this realization in my life quite fascinating. My attraction to the moon being apart of that. How far can I see into the future. Or the past, depending on how far you're looking into space.
Answers will come, and new questions will arrive. How many times will I have to tell myself that to accept the truth of it. The irony of this world seemingly playing tricks on me. I wax and wane. I wane, I wax. I am always two sides of the same person. I am who I am, but I know there's more to me. I dig and dig to find that part of me, but maybe I go too far and forget to bring a ladder with me. I recently saw the moon again. It brought quite a lot of light back into my life. I realized I dug pretty deep, I brought a ladder with me, but I was just sulking because I didn't find what I thought I wanted. I felt the moon brought me back to my senses. The light shining down in the hole luminating what was around me. Showing me the work that I did. Realizing that I'm quite different to the person I was long ago the sacrifices I've made to be who I am today is not something to be forgotten. I've fought to be who I am now, because the person I want to become is important to me. I know there's more to it all, I know that I'll write something entirely different another day. My words won't be so crass or bruising.
But maybe it's because I couldn't see the moon tonight. Maybe that's how I get. As if a piece of me is missing entirely, out for a walk without contacting me. If I could just be a little more trusting that that part of me is going to come back soon, or has it's own life to live, maybe I could be a little more patient. "ay, there's the rub:" to be patient in terms of allowing my other half to travel, to explore. I'll admit, (Aside) maybe this is solely for my own purposes rather than yours, but this concept to me is interesting and as such I'll explore it here. Like sipping a fine wine, swishing it around your mouth, and in my case, spitting it out because it doesn't serve me to consume it. But I liked the taste and would recommend it highly to a customer. (To carry on). It's interesting to me thinking of this almost in terms of the ethereal; what if I truly am someone who separates into another half, and that half, unbeknownst to me, goes out, and travels the ether, the universe, worlds, this world, and is just on a stroll. I don't know if someone might relate, but when I do find myself in a rut, or in a low, I'll wake up one day, and have an incredible day, just like that, as if that other half walked through the front door carrying treats. Or your coffee order. I feel inspired, I feel as if I have all of these new ideas and a whole different attitude to my life. I wonder what treat my other half is bringing me next. What a nice thought, think of them just out strolling, humming, or whistling, saying hello to the locals, exploring an art exhibit, hopping on a ferry to be a little closer to the water. They must have a lot to say when they get back.
Now I also want to bring a set of reality to myself, just as the moon does for me, abrupt and to the point, leaving it as it is, not mincing words. I'm genuinely exhausted. I've been to the gym five days in a row, two of those days I traveled forty minutes to Columbus to go job hunting right after, and spent the rest of my day there, all while drinking copious amounts of caffeine to either get me through the day or to be more "creative". I don't have much to show from those "creative" times, but otherwise I've done really well. I showed up to the gym, I'm in incredible shape, and I've put a lot of really great leg work in, It's the end of my five day work week and I'm simply tired. I hate it when I do this to myself, I always fail to see all the good work I've done in a given week. It's so strange, I must have some self sabotaging habit, when good things come to me, that I accidentally allowed into my heart. It's not like I meant to, I like when good things happen to me. I do in fact need to be easier to myself, but I'm striking a balance. I want to push myself, while also accepting myself for who and what I am in the present. It's a practice, thank god I get the chance to do so.
I think we all need to be easier on ourselves too. I think we need to practice finding a balance between taking it easy on ourselves while also not lacking in self respect to pick ourselves up off the ground and clean up after ourselves. I think we need to practice an understanding that our friend is just out for a stroll. They'll be back, and you can be ready for a gift in time.
I recently saw the moon again. It was way high up looking down at me. So high and mighty, felt as if we were having a staring contest, but of course, I lost. The moon laughed while I revived the moisture from my eyes, looking away. I wonder if that moon talks, it'd be quite the gossip if it could. though, maybe it used to be, and now it's all clammed up, tired of wasting its breath on the trivial nature of the people on earth. "When will they learn? I've seen this a hundred times."
