Could be, who knows?
Hello hello and welcome my dear sweet friends. I've been enjoying writing to a bit of jazz lately, so I'll be at my keys writing as if I'm playing the piano, depending on the song I'm listening to, either solemnly or in a jovial dance. I like to do this as I almost feel as if I'm there in a smokey bar, up on stage as I'm listening in to the bass, and the horn, the trumpet, the guitar, or whoever else may be playing alongside me. But I am the pianist. I'm creating a language, I'm creating sets of chords and different types of notes and melodies, while playing around with the rhythm, all while making mistakes, and laughing along either way, it's passed, what else can I do. I suppose in the literal sense I can simply press the backspace a hundred and one times to erase the work forever, but there's no point. My audience is here, and there ready to listen, I can't stand up from my piano and tell them at the end, "I'm very sorry folks, but it seems I'm terrible and I've made a lot of mistakes, let me restart." No I'm here now aren't I? I'll allow for tune ups, but erasing the work, no no, there's value in my subconscious, and I feel as if jazz is a pull from that specific place. A meditation into all the things you've experienced, and the emotions that you feel in the current moment. What a beautiful thing to listen to Art Tatum, and his solo piano playing, or Thelonious Monk expressing his dream. I get to be apart of that and step into their shoes in an entirely different language. Does make me want to sing a long though too, I could actually be up there with a band and sing up a wild storm of feelings and words of some random poeticness I made up on the spot, but I don't have the tools to do that, so I'll sing solo, I'll write solo, I'll play solo. Make mistakes and learn as I go, as I always have been.
I hit an animal on my way home from my new job. It was really strange how it occurred and I haven't quite been able to stop thinking about it. I feel as if I've come to terms with it, I've said my apologies, wished the animal for a wonderful afterlife, or some post death eternal treats. I've been working at a theater in Dublin Ohio, and just recently got the job helping out with a show that's in the process of rehearsal called The Duchess. A fantastic show full of political and personal scandal about President Warren Harding who was originally from Ohio himself. I've been really fond of the cast, and it's been an incredible time working on theater as I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to do so in so long. To actually be working on the thing that you've been studying for and working so hard to get into the room of, and be paid for it. Yea, color me grateful. I feel as if that color is pink parakeet, almost maroon with a bit more pink and brown, so It's nicely grounded, but also colored a bit vibrantly to show the euphoria I feel to be working in that aspect. The theater is about 45 minutes away from me, so sadly I do have to spend quite a bit on gas to get there. So it is as it is, and I'm almost broke, but I've come to terms that money will come eventually, and a second job is also on the horizon. I was coming home from the theater, possibly Tuesday, and it's important to me that I follow the exact speed limit, I'm just like that now. I like to coast when I drive, listening to whatever CD I have lined up in it's entirety, right now its the third of a four disk box set of Nat King Cole Classics. He's really been boosting my positivity and romantics lately so I appreciate that. So while listening to the music, I get into a comfortable position on the highway and turn on my cruise control and hum along to the music. I don't like to go too fast, or drive aggressively, but I don't like driving too slow, imposing on those around me, that's why I follow the limit so no one is really allowed the right to quietly judge me in the secret comfort of their own drivers seat, but also, while doing this, I drive very stress free.
I was just a bit away from getting off my exit. While driving in my cozy cruise control, at exactly 55 miles per hour, this small creature rushed out into the middle of the road, and instantly my body seized up, my shoulder came up to my ears, I sucked in a protective breath, and since it was so close there was nothing more for me to do, I lightly hit the breaks but I knew that wasn't going to help the poor animal who had risked its life to cross the highway. Two distinct bumps later and I was continuing on my way. There was nothing I could do, no reason for me to stop and mourn, but I could continue on my way and mourn I suppose. I was really hurt that for some reason or another I killed an animal, or at least I assume I did, or even, was it really me who killed it or the machine that I drove that killed it (Later it was confirmed as I saw it on my way to work, dead on the side of the road). I wondered how it came to die, and why it had to, there had to be some reason for it. Why did this animal have to die, and what was the point of it's death? I had following all of the "rules" Though of course I could have driven five over the limit, or even gone slower, and that would have been acceptable, as there are these things called unspoken rules, and it's not like you'll be getting pulled over on the highway for going a tiny bit faster then the limit. So if I was to go five miles faster, or five miles slower, I would not have hit this animal. That's not possible now in any case though and there's no way to change the past. The fact though is that an animal is dead because of my particular actions taken while driving, stemming back even further from getting pulled over because I was a too aggressive driver, and honestly, person. Stemming back from getting hit when someone ran a red light, and hit someone else, who spun out and hit me, totaling my fathers car, so now I'm just extra careful and attentive to my driving. Stemming back to college, and my choices in college and how I came back to Ohio, and so on and so on. This web of interconnectedness gets my head all jumbled up.
So it got me thinking of how for some reason this was meant to happen, this death, this animal was meant to live it's last breath, but what it did however was change everything. It used it's own form of payment, and it felt like the universe cranked back it's spring and I'm the one that's set nestled at the top of the coils. I believe that this animal payed to make something occur, but what is it. I came to the conclusion that I would know when the time comes. I will know when that spring has been sprung, it's probably not going to be the most pleasant feeling when it's released from it's mechanical contraption, but I do feel like once it has, there are going to be a lot of bumps and a lot of springs, but just maybe I'll be hitting my high score. Who's to say, it's up to interpretation, but mine is this; something is coming within my life, it's more than likely ambiguous as it always is with events in my life, but either way it will offer greater growth.
I came home last night and as I was getting closer to home, I was reviewing the events that had happened with the poor animal. I live near some stretches of woods, and when I looked at them they seemed entirely different from what I've ever seen before at this time of night. I could see much further into them than usual. I realized that it was uniquely light outside, but when I looked up there was no moon, nor were there any lights surrounding, the cloud covered sky was permeating this subtle glow, and this glow allowed my sight to go further into the woods. I thought that maybe there was going to be something within the woods that I needed to take note of so I stopped the car to look for awhile, but I think the woods were just a pointer to the fact of the brightness of the night. For some reason this cemented an understanding that things weren't going to be the same from now on. There's always a reason for things occurring, events take place to allow for new events to occur. Did I mention I haven't been able to see the moon for awhile? Even in the clearest of skies, it seems that it doesn't want to show itself. I suppose I'll find myself in a new place when I do get to see it. I suppose change is in fact inevitable, luckily I welcome change, if, at least, eventually. We'll see what comes.